He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Randomize
