I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
