I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
