Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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