So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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