I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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