Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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