I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
