FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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