Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
