new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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