I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
