so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
