i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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