god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
