bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
