rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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