Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
