what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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