im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
