I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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