Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
