A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
