She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
