im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
