these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
