he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
