it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
