i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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