he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
