omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
