I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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