it's not cheating when I paid for it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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