my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
