hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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