in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
