I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
