he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
