Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
