Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
