I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
