apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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