I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
