I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
