i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
