We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
