How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
