yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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