My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
