MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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