my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
