Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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