i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
