So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
